- Jeanine van der Vlies
From Complaining into Complimenting
COMPLAINING, a destructive way of coping with life
Complaining is a way of judging the current situation or the event you are confronted with.
It is not an objective state of mind and certainly not a pleasant one. Nevertheless we all complain now and then.
The main reason we complain is because of an unmet need and that is Validation.
Validation of ourself and validation by others.
Most people complain to feel good about themselves. This works as follows: by complaining you differentiate yourself from the event or situation you dislike. What we actually do in this situation, is finding the fault in other things so in contrast we can be good. As if You are good and the event is bad.
By complaining you make a statement and mostly seek other people to go with you in your complaint or to even solve it for you.
It is a way of manipulation. We want to be acknowledged.
1)We want them to understand our pain,
2) recognize it,
3) validate it and
4) maybe even to solve it for us.
It is a bit of a passive role, like something is happening to you and you just can not help it. Like being a victim. You are leaning back and hoping the complaining will change the situation. Mostly this does not happen. What will happen is that your energy will vibrate on a lower level and before you know your mind starts a negative thinking loop. And it is not hard to imagine that you will feel not better about yourself, knowing that anywhere you put your attention, that will grow.
People who complain a lot, made it almost into a habit. The chronic complainers.
Complaining is just a surface symptom. What lies underneath the complaining behaviour is a basic fear of not being good enough, not being seen, not being worthy, not belonging etc.
On a mental level the neuron-pathways in the brain of a chronic complainer are programmed to repeat the same stream of thoughts over and over again. This means that complaining is a habit and that from a cognitive behaviouristic point of view the complaining behaviour can be changed.
Now what are the steps to change this behaviour?
1) First of all you must be aware of the fact that you are complaining.
2) When you notice the moment you have a complaint, be aware of the pain underneath the complaint.
3) Ask yourself : what is that hurts me that I feel the need to complain. What was I thinking that is causing this painful feeling. Where in my body do I feel this pain, how does it manifest.
4) Try to feel it and stay with it from an observing loving point of view, don’t resist. The minute you resist it you put fuel on the fire. Feeding the pain and trauma underneath. Just try to do this from a neutral place, a meditative state of mind. Be present with it and stay with it. And find out by doing so that the feeling transforms and even might dissolve.
Love the aspect that is complaining, be willingly to look at it without judgement.
Be able to stay with the feeling, research where it is coming from, dive into the childhood patterns, do some inner child work.
For Example: I am complaining that my boyfriend never takes me out. The thoughts that accompany this complaint are: ‘ he is too busy for me’ , ‘he never puts me first on his list’, ‘he must not like me that much’, ‘did I do something wrong´, ‘maybe he fell out of love’? etc. etc. The feelings that pair with thoughts like this are that I don’t feel seen and that I feel not worthy, which triggers my childhood trauma. That makes me feel sad. This sad feeling manifests itself as a kind of nervous feeling in my stomach area.
Now I have all this information about what caused my complaint, I just stay with the feeling in full compassion from a neutral observing point of view. Noticing that by fully recognizing the feeling, without identifying with it, it will change and transform.
An other option that I often recommend to my clients is to put the complaint, the corresponding thoughts and the feeling underneath in a big balloon and cut the cord to let it dissolve in the universal totality. Empty it.
You have to keep in mind that the goal of changing complaining patterns is to transform the thoughts into a neutral state of acceptance. So ACCEPTANCE of what is, is a big step here. Looking deeper into this we will see that Acceptance of Self is the ultimate state that causes complaining to disappear out of your life. When you ultimately accept the situation as it is and you don’t identify with it, you are able to act from an authentic state of mind. From this authentic state of mind our perspective is more clear, you are much more able to feel what you want instead of what you don’t want. The next step is that you take action on what you feel you really want and by doing so, you get yourself unstuck. You empower yourself.
So the key to change complaining is acceptance of the situation that it is as it is and not taking it personally, cause it has nothing to do with you or better said: your worth. When you realize that you deliberately can step out of this victim-role, you will feel in charge and empowered.
From here you can even take it a step further and take on an attitude of gratitude and turn your complaining into complimenting. Complaints make you weak where compliments give you strength.
So I have a nice challenge for you: try at least for 11 days not to complain and instead accept the situation as it is and give compliments to yourself of other people and environments.
On an energetical level this means that your vibration will change. Negative energy is reduced in your electromagnetic field and you increase your vibration. The
result is that you attract other kind of situations, people, events. You will start to notice that people will react on you in a different way.
Good luck and if you want to know more about how I work or book a healing or therapy session, check out my website www.shinecompany.nl or send a DM or mail to firstname.lastname@example.org